When a child hits a sibling or lies straight to your face, the instinct is often to clamp down harder: more consequences, stricter rules, bigger lectures. But repeated punishment usually creates a spiral, more aggression, more sneaking, more disconnection.
Collaborative problem solving parenting offers a different path: instead of “How do I make you stop?” the question becomes, “What problem is this behavior trying to solve, and how can we solve it together?”
Why Punishment Alone Makes Aggression and Lying Worse
Research from the American Psychological Association and American Academy of Pediatrics shows that harsh or physical discipline tends to increase aggression and defiance over time and pushes kids toward hiding the truth to avoid getting in trouble. APA+1
In other words: the more a child fears your reaction, the more likely they are to lie or explode rather than talk.
Collaborative approaches, by contrast, have been shown to reduce a wide range of challenging behaviors, including aggression, by focusing on skills and relationship, not just consequences. California Evidence-Based Clearinghouse+1
What Is Collaborative Problem Solving Parenting?
The Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model, developed by Dr. Ross Greene, is an evidence-based framework for working with behaviorally challenging kids. Lives in the Balance+1 It treats aggression and lying as signals of lagging skills, like frustration tolerance, flexibility, or problem solving, rather than willful disobedience. SCPCN+1
At its heart, collaborative problem solving parenting follows three steps:
1. Empathize – Understand your child’s concern or need.
2. Define your concern – Calmly share why the behavior is a problem.
3. Co-create solutions – Brainstorm a realistic plan that works for both of you.
This “with, not at” approach is especially powerful for kids who hit, shove, or lie to get out of trouble. The Possibilities Clinic+1
Step 1: Empathize – “Help Me Understand What Happened”
Start by getting curious, not furious. Your goal is to hear their side before you explain yours.
For aggression:
● “I saw you punch your brother. What was happening right before that?”
● “You were really upset. Tell me what bothered you most.”
For lying:
● “I noticed the vase broke and you said you didn’t touch it. Can you walk me through what happened from your point of view?”
These questions say, “You’re not my enemy. We’re on the same team.”
Step 2: Share Your Concern – Clear, Calm, and Brief
Once your child feels heard, share your concern in one or two sentences:
● “I’m worried someone could get hurt when you hit.”
● “When I don’t get the full story, it’s hard for me to keep you safe and trust what you tell me.”
No lecture, no shaming, just honest information. This keeps defenses low while making your expectations clear.
Step 3: Co-Create Solutions – Teaching Words Over Fists
Now invite your child into problem solving:
● “We both want you to get your turn without anyone getting hurt. What could you say or do next time instead of hitting?”
● “We both want you to feel safe telling the truth, even if you made a mistake. What would make it easier for you to be honest next time?”
If they’re stuck, offer options and choose together:
● “Next time, you can say ‘Stop, that’s mine,’ or come get me. Which do you want to practice?”
● “If you tell me the truth right away, I’ll still help you fix it. Does that feel fair?”
Over time, these trust-building lines teach kids that words work better than fists, and honesty is safer than hiding.
Bringing Collaborative Problem Solving Parenting Into Everyday Life
You won’t get it perfect every time, and that’s okay. Each aggressive moment or lie becomes a chance to practice empathy, clarity, and shared solutions.
To go deeper into collaborative problem solving parenting and jiujitsu-inspired strategies for handling aggression, lying, and other challenging behaviors, explore Roger Higginbotham’s book Jiujitsu Parenting: Techniques for Handling Undesirable Behaviors and updates at rogerhigginbotham.com.
Start today: pick one recent incident, walk through Empathize → Share Concern → Co-create Solutions, and watch the spiral begin to slow.
